It’s in the Facts
I am hugely disappointed in our humanity. We human beings are full of contradictions and flaws and failings. I accept that fact and acknowledge my vulnerabilities. What has caused me such grief, bearing witness to the public circus of our politics and with personal experience as an alienated parent, is the malice of others.
Malice is a strong word to use in describing another person. Let us remember what it means to be malicious. Malice is hatefulness, cruelty, abhorrence. A desire to cause pain for the satisfaction of doing harm.
As a mother who has experienced parental alienation for the past 11 years, I have come to believe that my children believe I “deserve it”, deserve to be hurt. From the beginning of their deliberate decision to cut off any communication with me without comment, my children had to create a good reason to do so. After all, how do you explain to anyone else that you refuse to have any relationship with your mother from the age of 22 years? How do you tell your childhood story that will eventually include evidence of a consistently loving and supportive mother? There will be leaks friends will notice that indicate significant discrepancies, holes in the stories my children are wanting them to believe about an abusive and scarring mother. We know that repeatedly retelling a story can convince the storyteller that a false narrative is reality. And the storyteller requires an audience of people who want to believe the worst in me or people who do not know me at all. It is important to marginalize others that know our shared past.
A false narrative is a subtler and more dangerous form of misinformation.[1] For instance, if my daughter believes that she could benefit from a claim that I have been emotionally damaging to her all of her life, she may tell her listeners that I could be nice sometimes but my regular abuse of her was traumatizing. And this trauma can be the reason she is too anxious and flies off the handle with those she loves. Therefore, she does not have to assume personal responsibility for her actions because she can blame me for creating her problem in the first place.
Research indicates that we can create false memories to achieve the identity we want.[2] If my children need to believe that I am the reason they have no further contact with me, a story must exist to validate such a decision.[3]
Do I create a false narrative for my story? I could. The question may be whether I have a need to create another identity.
This discussion seems bleak. It seems that the air is filled with lies. David Brooks[4] reflects that poisonous spewing should not be underestimated. Joe McCarthy held up documents claiming evidence when there was no evidence. It speaks of paranoia. It produces alienation.
How does one hold onto a belief in anything if a mother cannot believe in her experience of a mutually loving, respectful, and life-enriching relationship with her own child? During these past 11 years, I have not spent most time wondering about what I did wrong as a mother to my two children. I ached over the loss of my belief in our authentic bond as mother and child.
If there is anything I know with certainty, with no doubt, with a belief that lives deep in my heart and soul, it is that I loved and respected both of my children with my true nature.
I now live knowing that my devotion did not mean much to my children. Certainly not enough. What I am thankful for is that my commitment means a lot to me.
In my prior writing,[5] I speak to many perspectives that I leaned into so that I could reach this state of gratitude. I do not need my children’s validation of me as a good mother. Plenty of ‘evidence’ exists that speaks for me. Even without the evidence, I live each day with my dedication to becoming a better person. I have done so for most of my adulthood. During the working day and when I prepare for sleep, I reflect on my words and my behavior. I apologize for my mistakes and I ask for forgiveness. I am grateful for the day. My intention is to be of service to others and I pray for the strength to be emotionally available to those in need. I care deeply for my family and friends and clients.
That is who I am. I live a life with a strong identity, that no longer includes being a mother to my children.
I am thankful that I do not harbor poor feelings or ill will towards my children. I am thankful that I have found my way through the misery we call parental alienation. I am thankful that my good nature was not dissolved by the injustice and pain through which I have lived. Let me make an important distinction. Surviving implies remaining alive, clinging to life, enduring. I am living. For me, it is an active choice rather than a consequence.
I am thankful for choosing life.
[1]False Narratives – And How to Cut Through Them, accessed November 24, 2020, https: //publicvoiceny.com/false-narratives/.
2] Giuliana Mazzoni, The “real you” is a myth, https://theconversation.com, (September 19, 2018).
3] Anne Bulger, “The Mother Side of the Coin”, https://annebulger.com/estranged-parent-blog.html, (January 22, 2020).
[4] David Brooks, interview with Judy Woodruff, PBS NewsHour, November 20, 2020, https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/shields-and-brooks-on-the-danger-of-trumps-refusal-to-concede.
[5] Anne Bulger, “https://annebulger.com/estranged-parent-blog.html.
I am hugely disappointed in our humanity. We human beings are full of contradictions and flaws and failings. I accept that fact and acknowledge my vulnerabilities. What has caused me such grief, bearing witness to the public circus of our politics and with personal experience as an alienated parent, is the malice of others.
Malice is a strong word to use in describing another person. Let us remember what it means to be malicious. Malice is hatefulness, cruelty, abhorrence. A desire to cause pain for the satisfaction of doing harm.
As a mother who has experienced parental alienation for the past 11 years, I have come to believe that my children believe I “deserve it”, deserve to be hurt. From the beginning of their deliberate decision to cut off any communication with me without comment, my children had to create a good reason to do so. After all, how do you explain to anyone else that you refuse to have any relationship with your mother from the age of 22 years? How do you tell your childhood story that will eventually include evidence of a consistently loving and supportive mother? There will be leaks friends will notice that indicate significant discrepancies, holes in the stories my children are wanting them to believe about an abusive and scarring mother. We know that repeatedly retelling a story can convince the storyteller that a false narrative is reality. And the storyteller requires an audience of people who want to believe the worst in me or people who do not know me at all. It is important to marginalize others that know our shared past.
A false narrative is a subtler and more dangerous form of misinformation.[1] For instance, if my daughter believes that she could benefit from a claim that I have been emotionally damaging to her all of her life, she may tell her listeners that I could be nice sometimes but my regular abuse of her was traumatizing. And this trauma can be the reason she is too anxious and flies off the handle with those she loves. Therefore, she does not have to assume personal responsibility for her actions because she can blame me for creating her problem in the first place.
Research indicates that we can create false memories to achieve the identity we want.[2] If my children need to believe that I am the reason they have no further contact with me, a story must exist to validate such a decision.[3]
Do I create a false narrative for my story? I could. The question may be whether I have a need to create another identity.
This discussion seems bleak. It seems that the air is filled with lies. David Brooks[4] reflects that poisonous spewing should not be underestimated. Joe McCarthy held up documents claiming evidence when there was no evidence. It speaks of paranoia. It produces alienation.
How does one hold onto a belief in anything if a mother cannot believe in her experience of a mutually loving, respectful, and life-enriching relationship with her own child? During these past 11 years, I have not spent most time wondering about what I did wrong as a mother to my two children. I ached over the loss of my belief in our authentic bond as mother and child.
If there is anything I know with certainty, with no doubt, with a belief that lives deep in my heart and soul, it is that I loved and respected both of my children with my true nature.
I now live knowing that my devotion did not mean much to my children. Certainly not enough. What I am thankful for is that my commitment means a lot to me.
In my prior writing,[5] I speak to many perspectives that I leaned into so that I could reach this state of gratitude. I do not need my children’s validation of me as a good mother. Plenty of ‘evidence’ exists that speaks for me. Even without the evidence, I live each day with my dedication to becoming a better person. I have done so for most of my adulthood. During the working day and when I prepare for sleep, I reflect on my words and my behavior. I apologize for my mistakes and I ask for forgiveness. I am grateful for the day. My intention is to be of service to others and I pray for the strength to be emotionally available to those in need. I care deeply for my family and friends and clients.
That is who I am. I live a life with a strong identity, that no longer includes being a mother to my children.
I am thankful that I do not harbor poor feelings or ill will towards my children. I am thankful that I have found my way through the misery we call parental alienation. I am thankful that my good nature was not dissolved by the injustice and pain through which I have lived. Let me make an important distinction. Surviving implies remaining alive, clinging to life, enduring. I am living. For me, it is an active choice rather than a consequence.
I am thankful for choosing life.
[1]False Narratives – And How to Cut Through Them, accessed November 24, 2020, https: //publicvoiceny.com/false-narratives/.
2] Giuliana Mazzoni, The “real you” is a myth, https://theconversation.com, (September 19, 2018).
3] Anne Bulger, “The Mother Side of the Coin”, https://annebulger.com/estranged-parent-blog.html, (January 22, 2020).
[4] David Brooks, interview with Judy Woodruff, PBS NewsHour, November 20, 2020, https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/shields-and-brooks-on-the-danger-of-trumps-refusal-to-concede.
[5] Anne Bulger, “https://annebulger.com/estranged-parent-blog.html.
RSS Feed