Decency is the Light in Adult Child-Parental Alienation
We are often faced with whether we want to be compassionate or whether we want to be right.
Before C-19, my husband, Paul, and I were discussing an upcoming vacation. We had to decide whether we were going to travel over a holiday or not. Paul wanted to take fewer days off from work and I wanted him to prioritize our trip instead of work. We both get prickly about how we each define overworking. I can make eloquent arguments to prove that my definition is most correct and that I am the authority on what is important to our marriage.
I had a choice. Do I hammer my points to prove I am most right, or do I love him by giving him my consideration? Who do I want to be at this moment? These moments add up and they can add up to endorsing a value, which for me, is my goodness as a human being. At that moment, I needed to touch base with not just my love but my civility in order to experience self-respect.
The American Psychological Association offers an expanded definition of civility, beyond being a formal politeness. Civility entails honoring one’s personal values, while simultaneously listening to disparate points of view.[1] Furthermore, civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements. It is listening past one’s preconceptions.[2]
According to Merriam-Webster, humility means “the state of being humble” and both humility and humble have their origin in the Latin word meaning “low”. Many people mistake humility or the act of being humble as submissive and meek. I believe that we all need more of a necessary humility to properly align our values and be more compassionate people. Choosing to practice humility, which is freedom from arrogance and conceit, encourages our decency and our empathy towards others and ultimately builds our civility.
Self-awareness is necessary to make a choice of conscience. Mindfulness practice helps us to build our awareness in the moment. The loud voice of my own needs can dominate my access to self-awareness. I need to catch my tendency for self-absorption and really listen.
I am not just talking about feeling an intimacy with each other. That is another topic. This is about how we treat each other when we have different and maybe vastly differing points of view.
Now, what are we to do when our child estranges themselves from us? The nature of estrangement is different in that we do not have a direct opportunity for discourse. In my personal experience, I believe there is even more urgency to examine our thoughts and feelings and choose to be decent and civil in our own minds. If we discard our single-minded opinion of whether our estranged child’s perspective is correct, maybe we can put aside those detrimental thoughts and instead consider that our adult child may be struggling with some sort of unhappiness that has trapped him with noxious feelings. Perhaps we can acknowledge that he has his story, and you have your story. In reality, we have competing perspectives. If I want to try and understand my estranged child’s perspective, I need to consider my child’s different point of view.
Nonetheless, I do not want my children’s decision to estrange themselves from me for over 10 years to define who I want to be. I have had plenty of anguish and misery about their silent rejection. I want to continue being a person who passionately believes in developing understanding in the midst of strife. I want to intentionally choose what thoughts are in my head and what is filling my heart. I know if I agonize with thoughts of injustice or doubt or heartache, each step I take in trying to live my life is burdened and heavy with joylessness. I must guard myself against this old story that I had created because my children left me.
I have my life story. My story is about a woman who prioritized her children and loved them as she was never loved by her own mother. My children were nurtured and well-supported. I feel pride in knowing I did my best being their Mother.
And I feel the necessary humility to have learned from my mistakes and imperfections as a person and parent. I have gained perspective from my past.
We have all experienced a communication, face to face or online, in which a person expresses themselves with contempt or temper as if the substance of the message is not the point. Hatred or proving themselves right seems to be the point. Too often with parent alienation, being right about your version of reality is rigidly adhered to and defended with criticism lacking in civility. Taking this stance is one-sided by nature and self-defeating. Understandably, people are hurt but also can get more hurt. And who wants to be that person calling names and spewing venom?
How do you avoid this trap? Self-compassion will help you to develop an attitude of humility. This is not about determining who is right and who is wrong. This is about relieving, not reliving, your suffering by extending to yourself the kindness and understanding you would readily give to your best friend. In her TED Talk entitled, “The gentle gift of mercy”, Anne Lamott[3] states, “Mercy is radical kindness. Mercy is not deserved. It involves absolving the unabsolvable, forgiving the unforgivable. Mercy brings us to the miracle of apology, given and accepted, to unashamed humility when we have erred or forgotten.”
Make peace with yourself so you can know mercy. Calm your heart in knowing that no one can take away your hard-earned memories.
Just be decent.[4] Be honest with yourself and be respectful towards others. How we treat each other, and ourselves, is one of the only things that matter.[5]
[1] Nadine Kaslow and Natalie Watson, “Civility: A Core Component of Professionalism”, https://www.apa.org/ed/precollege/ptn/2016/09/civility-professionalism, (September, 2016).
[2] Institute for Civility in Government, https://www.instituteforcivility.org/who-we-are/what-is-civility/, (2020).
[3] Anne Lamott, “The gentle gift of mercy”, https://ideas.ted.com/the-gentle-gift-of-mercy/ , (April 26, 2017).
[4] Anne Applebaum, (July/August 2020), “Collaborators”, The Atlantic, 48-62.
[5] Anne Bulger, “Proper Civility”, https://annebulger.com/estranged-parent-blog.html , October 30, 2020.
We are often faced with whether we want to be compassionate or whether we want to be right.
Before C-19, my husband, Paul, and I were discussing an upcoming vacation. We had to decide whether we were going to travel over a holiday or not. Paul wanted to take fewer days off from work and I wanted him to prioritize our trip instead of work. We both get prickly about how we each define overworking. I can make eloquent arguments to prove that my definition is most correct and that I am the authority on what is important to our marriage.
I had a choice. Do I hammer my points to prove I am most right, or do I love him by giving him my consideration? Who do I want to be at this moment? These moments add up and they can add up to endorsing a value, which for me, is my goodness as a human being. At that moment, I needed to touch base with not just my love but my civility in order to experience self-respect.
The American Psychological Association offers an expanded definition of civility, beyond being a formal politeness. Civility entails honoring one’s personal values, while simultaneously listening to disparate points of view.[1] Furthermore, civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements. It is listening past one’s preconceptions.[2]
According to Merriam-Webster, humility means “the state of being humble” and both humility and humble have their origin in the Latin word meaning “low”. Many people mistake humility or the act of being humble as submissive and meek. I believe that we all need more of a necessary humility to properly align our values and be more compassionate people. Choosing to practice humility, which is freedom from arrogance and conceit, encourages our decency and our empathy towards others and ultimately builds our civility.
Self-awareness is necessary to make a choice of conscience. Mindfulness practice helps us to build our awareness in the moment. The loud voice of my own needs can dominate my access to self-awareness. I need to catch my tendency for self-absorption and really listen.
- First, I must patiently listen so that I can let Paul know that I understand his thoughts and feelings about missing work.
- Secondly, I let him know my thoughts and feelings about wanting to feel more important than work.
I am not just talking about feeling an intimacy with each other. That is another topic. This is about how we treat each other when we have different and maybe vastly differing points of view.
Now, what are we to do when our child estranges themselves from us? The nature of estrangement is different in that we do not have a direct opportunity for discourse. In my personal experience, I believe there is even more urgency to examine our thoughts and feelings and choose to be decent and civil in our own minds. If we discard our single-minded opinion of whether our estranged child’s perspective is correct, maybe we can put aside those detrimental thoughts and instead consider that our adult child may be struggling with some sort of unhappiness that has trapped him with noxious feelings. Perhaps we can acknowledge that he has his story, and you have your story. In reality, we have competing perspectives. If I want to try and understand my estranged child’s perspective, I need to consider my child’s different point of view.
Nonetheless, I do not want my children’s decision to estrange themselves from me for over 10 years to define who I want to be. I have had plenty of anguish and misery about their silent rejection. I want to continue being a person who passionately believes in developing understanding in the midst of strife. I want to intentionally choose what thoughts are in my head and what is filling my heart. I know if I agonize with thoughts of injustice or doubt or heartache, each step I take in trying to live my life is burdened and heavy with joylessness. I must guard myself against this old story that I had created because my children left me.
I have my life story. My story is about a woman who prioritized her children and loved them as she was never loved by her own mother. My children were nurtured and well-supported. I feel pride in knowing I did my best being their Mother.
And I feel the necessary humility to have learned from my mistakes and imperfections as a person and parent. I have gained perspective from my past.
We have all experienced a communication, face to face or online, in which a person expresses themselves with contempt or temper as if the substance of the message is not the point. Hatred or proving themselves right seems to be the point. Too often with parent alienation, being right about your version of reality is rigidly adhered to and defended with criticism lacking in civility. Taking this stance is one-sided by nature and self-defeating. Understandably, people are hurt but also can get more hurt. And who wants to be that person calling names and spewing venom?
How do you avoid this trap? Self-compassion will help you to develop an attitude of humility. This is not about determining who is right and who is wrong. This is about relieving, not reliving, your suffering by extending to yourself the kindness and understanding you would readily give to your best friend. In her TED Talk entitled, “The gentle gift of mercy”, Anne Lamott[3] states, “Mercy is radical kindness. Mercy is not deserved. It involves absolving the unabsolvable, forgiving the unforgivable. Mercy brings us to the miracle of apology, given and accepted, to unashamed humility when we have erred or forgotten.”
Make peace with yourself so you can know mercy. Calm your heart in knowing that no one can take away your hard-earned memories.
Just be decent.[4] Be honest with yourself and be respectful towards others. How we treat each other, and ourselves, is one of the only things that matter.[5]
[1] Nadine Kaslow and Natalie Watson, “Civility: A Core Component of Professionalism”, https://www.apa.org/ed/precollege/ptn/2016/09/civility-professionalism, (September, 2016).
[2] Institute for Civility in Government, https://www.instituteforcivility.org/who-we-are/what-is-civility/, (2020).
[3] Anne Lamott, “The gentle gift of mercy”, https://ideas.ted.com/the-gentle-gift-of-mercy/ , (April 26, 2017).
[4] Anne Applebaum, (July/August 2020), “Collaborators”, The Atlantic, 48-62.
[5] Anne Bulger, “Proper Civility”, https://annebulger.com/estranged-parent-blog.html , October 30, 2020.
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